posted by on Aug 27

At the Teen Choice Awards, Jessica Alba let viewers know she’s still salty about an incident with a schoolyard crush. During her acceptance speech for the female hottie award (a staple of any good awards show) she told the audience:

“I would like to dedicate this award to a young man who has been on my mind for the last 19 years: Ross. Ross didn’t love me. I was pigeon-toed, I had a sway back, I was slightly cross-eyed, buck-toothed, I sucked my thumb. Look at me now, Ross! Look at me now! [Ross] promised that if I kissed him he would choose me for baseball … I was still chosen last. I never trusted men again.”

Whoever this Ross character is, I guarantee he’s sitting at home contemplating putting his nuts in a blender. He’ll weep and curse his childhood naivety – as he very well should. Right now he could be using Jessica’s luscious ass for a decorative end-table. But, no, Ross had to be a moron-sandwich and pick some other kid for his baseball team. Awesome. Thanks. Your sad little tale has made my genitals cry.

posted by on Aug 27

Things are not looking good for Britney Spears. Larry Rudolph, Britney’s ex-manager, spoke to Ryan Seacrest this morning and said he does not want to testify in the custody hearing for fear of what he might reveal. People reports:

“He said he’s doing his best to hide from Kevin’s process server,” Ryan Seacrest, who was in contact with Rudolph over the weekend, said Monday on his KIIS-FM radio show. “He’s actually on the run. They are trying to track him down and serve him with a subpoena and they want him to appear and testify in the custody battle.” Rudolph, who was relieved of his managerial duties by Spears earlier this year, “doesn’t want to be served because he said it won’t be good for Britney,” said Seacrest. “After all they have been through he is still loyal to her, and he doesn’t want to have to go under oath and talk about certain things that might hurt her.” Regarding his whereabouts, Rudolph would only reveal is that he is with his children. Furthermore, said Seacrest, the former manager wants it publicly known that he is avoiding being served the subpoena.

Pile this on top of the child abuse investigation and it definitely looks like Kevin Federline will win custody of the children. Not that there was any doubt. Any rational person with an IQ above, I dunno, five, had this figured out. I ran into a two-year-old the other day who looked at me and said, “Britney bad mommy.” Then the kid ate a pebble.

posted by on Aug 27

Britney Spears is under investigation for possible child abuse. According to TMZ:

An unscheduled hearing was held today at L.A. County Superior Court. Present — Britney’s lawyer, Dennis Wasser, K-Fed’s attorney, Mark Vincent Kaplan and a lawyer from the Los Angeles County Counsel who is assigned to the dependency court. We do not know the specifics of the allegations but we’re told the L.A. County Department of Children and Family Services is conducting an active investigation. A hearing in the custody case has been scheduled for September 4, which will be a follow up to today’s appearance.

Sadly, this had to be the easiest case to put together. All investigators had to do is follow her to McDonald’s and watch her set the kids under the French fry lamp. She usually returns to get them after a couple of days. It’s kind of cute actually. They help make the milkshakes, and fall asleep in the lap of the Ronald McDonald statue. Yeah, they might get burnt by grease every now and then, but goddamn if they aren’t safe for once. Poor little scamps.

posted by on Aug 27

Kid Rock, seen here with his crack hanging out, spent the weekend partying with Paris Hilton. Had I been in town, I would’ve thrown a grenade at them. people might call that a bit drastic, but I’m not about to live in a world where the super-herpes these two would create ran free. Call me old-fashioned, but I like my penis how it is. You know, non-melted.

posted by on Aug 27

Hulk Hogan’s son Nick Bollea and a friend were both in serious condition after a high-speed crash Sunday evening. People reports:

Bollea, who was featured with the rest of his family on the pro wrestler’s VH1 reality show Hogan Knows Best, was driving his yellow Toyota Supra down a four-lane highway in downtown Clearwater, Fla., when the car’s rear tires hit the raised median, police said. After fishtailing for several seconds, the car slammed into a 25-foot tall palm tree. “His car inexplicably left the road,” Clearwater Police spokesman Wayne Shelor tells PEOPLE, “and it was totally destroyed upon impact.” The cause of the crash is unknown, although police believe the car was traveling at a high rate of speed. “We don’t know exactly what happened,” says Shelor, “but we are investigating.” Bollea, 17, and his male passenger had to be extracted from the vehicle using the “jaws of life.” They were placed on a Medivac helicopter where they were flown seven minutes to nearby Bayfront Medical Center in St. Petersburg.

TMZ has a follow-up stating that Hogan was immediately at the scene of his son’s crash:

A frantic Hulk Hogan got right to the scene of his son’s extremely serious car crash last night, just moments after it happened. WFTV Orlando shot footage of the wrestler — clad in his usual tank top and bandana — talking with paramedics before his son Nick and his as yet unidentified passenger were airlifted to a nearby hospital.

TMZ also reports that Nick was discharged this morning, which is awesome news and let’s hope his friend pulls through too. Now if only they’ll tell the real story, that it was the Hulkster that got them out and not the jaws of life. Because, seriously, if you watch the show, Hulk is definitely the kind of dad that would wrestle a submarine for his kids. And he’d win too. Using only his moustache.

posted by on Aug 27

Owen Wilson was taken to St. John’s hospital in Santa Monica, California Sunday afternoon and the National Enquirer is claiming it was a suicide attempt. They say that he sliced his left wrist and took an overdose of pills. He was transferred from St. John’s after being stabilized to be detoxed and details are still coming out.

He was definitely hospitalized Sunday, but the National Enquirer is the only one saying it was suicide. Although for every story they write about Abraham Lincoln being a killer cyborg from the future they still manage to be right every now and then. And this one just feels right. Like the article they wrote about me breaking the world bench pressing record and then spending my free time rescuing puppies from fires. That’s just good journalism.

posted by on Aug 25

Wonder what Jenny McCarthy’s been up to? Of course not. But here she is anyway, vacationing in Hawaii with her boyfriend Jim Carrey. She looks pretty good for a 34-year-old, but that isn’t saying much since she’s, well, only 34. Plus she was Playboy’s 1994 Playmate of the Year. If you told me this was Rosie O’Donnell then yeah, wow, amazing. But this is like showing me a picture of myself and saying, “Dreamy.” I know. Duh.

posted by on Aug 25

Wonder what Jenny McCarthy’s been up to? Of course not. But here she is anyway, vacationing in Hawaii with her boyfriend Jim Carrey. She looks pretty good for a 34-year-old, but that isn’t saying much since she’s, well, only 34. Plus she was Playboy’s 1994 Playmate of the Year. If you told me this was Rosie O’Donnell then yeah, wow, amazing. But this is like showing me a picture of myself and saying, “Dreamy.” I know. Duh.

posted by on Aug 25

I took a survey of the leading causes that make grown men cry, and Jessica Alba’s ass came in at number one, right above a lemon being squeezed into your eye. I don’t even know why anymore. I mean she’s hot, but she’s not that hot. For some reason the idea of Jessica Alba has become infinitely hotter than Jessica Alba herself. She’s like a legend now, and tales of her hotness have surpassed her actual hotness. When they talk about her in the future it won’t even be her anymore. It’ll be tales of a creature so beautiful you have to whisper her name, and every time somebody says it the entire room will go “Oooh” and “Ahhh.”

posted by on Aug 24

Michael Vick has agreed to plead guilty to a felony charge for his role in managing an illegal dogfighting ring, and will formally enter his guilty plea Monday. The Smoking Gun reports:

As part of a plea deal, the Atlanta Falcons quarterback admitted that his Bad Newz Kennels operation wagered money–which he provided–in pit bull fights. However, “Vick did not gamble by placing side bets on any of the fights,” according to a “summary of the facts” that was filed today in court. That document, a copy of which you’ll find below, also notes that Vick “was aware” that three of his cohorts killed several dogs that performed poorly in test fighting sessions in mid-2002. The summary reports that “Vick did not kill any dogs at this time.” Earlier this year, Vick, and two cronies “agreed to the killing of approximately 6-8 dogs” that fared poorly in testing sessions at his Smithfield, Virginia property. Some of the animals were drowned or hanged, and Vick “stipulated” that the animals died via the “collected efforts” of himself, and codefendants Quanis Phillips and Purnell Peace. Both Phillips and Peace previously pleaded guilty to federal charges and stated that Vick participated in the execution of eight dogs last April. Vick faces a maximum of five years in prison for his conspiracy conviction.

To be fair, sometimes dogs can be really scary and the only thing to do is to kill them cruelly. One time I was walking down the street and a dog barked at me and I got really scared and I wished somebody as brave as Michael Vick was around to drown him. He’s a hero to stand up to those mean dogs!

posted by on Aug 24

Wonder what Jenny McCarthy’s been up to? Of course not. But here she is anyway, vacationing in Hawaii with her boyfriend Jim Carrey. She looks pretty good for a 34-year-old, but that isn’t saying much since she’s, well, only 34. Plus she was Playboy’s 1994 Playmate of the Year. If you told me this was Rosie O’Donnell then yeah, wow, amazing. But this is like showing me a picture of myself and saying, “Dreamy.” I know. Duh.

posted by on Aug 24

Wonder what Jenny McCarthy’s been up to? Of course not. But here she is anyway, vacationing in Hawaii with her boyfriend Jim Carrey. She looks pretty good for a 34-year-old, but that isn’t saying much since she’s, well, only 34. Plus she was Playboy’s 1994 Playmate of the Year. If you told me this was Rosie O’Donnell then yeah, wow, amazing. But this is like showing me a picture of myself and saying, “Dreamy.” I know. Duh.

posted by on Aug 24

Amy Winehouse and her husband basically got into a fist fight last night which left them both bloodied and bruised. Apparently Amy’s husband walked in on her cutting herself and about to do drugs with a prostitute when he intervened. The Daily Mail reports:

At around 2.30am, said guests, the fight sounded like it had restarted – then Miss Winehouse was seen sprinting down the corridor to the lift, pursued by her badly bleeding husband. One guest who got into the lift to reception at the same time said they started shouting at each other. “Amy was in floods of tears. This guy was screaming at her. She was cowering in the corner and I thought he was going to hit her. When the lift door opened, she took off across the lobby at a real pace. He was chasing after her and was about five paces behind by the time she got to the main hotel entrance.”

The couple then dashed into the street. An eyewitness said: “Just after 3am, Amy came sprinting out and down the road. She was in a real state of panic. Blake was running after her, but couldn’t catch up.”

And like a good wife, Amy defends her husband, saying he was saving her life by beating her up:

“Blake is the best man in the world. We would never ever harm each other… I was cutting myself after he found me in our room about to do drugs with a call girl and rightly said I wasn’t good enough for him. I lost it and he saved my life.”

So not only did a 60 pound Amy Winehouse beat this guy up, she also outran him. Careful people, we may be dealing with the toughest man on the planet here. I hear he tames bears just by looking at them. Seriously though, this guy seems about as athletic as a grilled cheese sandwich. If you gave him a gun he’d almost be able to take on a girl scout.

posted by on Aug 24

Amy Winehouse and her husband basically got into a fist fight last night which left them both bloodied and bruised. Apparently Amy’s husband walked in on her cutting herself and about to do drugs with a prostitute when he intervened. The Daily Mail reports:

At around 2.30am, said guests, the fight sounded like it had restarted – then Miss Winehouse was seen sprinting down the corridor to the lift, pursued by her badly bleeding husband. One guest who got into the lift to reception at the same time said they started shouting at each other. “Amy was in floods of tears. This guy was screaming at her. She was cowering in the corner and I thought he was going to hit her. When the lift door opened, she took off across the lobby at a real pace. He was chasing after her and was about five paces behind by the time she got to the main hotel entrance.”

The couple then dashed into the street. An eyewitness said: “Just after 3am, Amy came sprinting out and down the road. She was in a real state of panic. Blake was running after her, but couldn’t catch up.”

And like a good wife, Amy defends her husband, saying he was saving her life by beating her up:

“Blake is the best man in the world. We would never ever harm each other… I was cutting myself after he found me in our room about to do drugs with a call girl and rightly said I wasn’t good enough for him. I lost it and he saved my life.”

So not only did a 60 pound Amy Winehouse beat this guy up, she also outran him. Careful people, we may be dealing with the toughest man on the planet here. I hear he tames bears just by looking at them. Seriously though, this guy seems about as athletic as a grilled cheese sandwich. If you gave him a gun he’d almost be able to take on a girl scout.

posted by on Aug 24

Two burglars reportedly sneaked into Kirsten Dunst’s suite at the Soho Grand Hotel after she left to go film a scene for her new movie and stole her $13,000 handbag, wallets, cash, cameras, and an iPod. And how did these master thieves manage to pull off the crime of the century? They walked in through an open door. The Post reports:

Beinerman took a guest elevator to the floor below Dunst’s suite and then took a freight elevator up to the penthouse level.

There, Beinerman allegedly walked through an open door into the penthouse and stole items belonging to Dunst and her companions, including $2,500, a Marc Jacobs purse, wallets containing IDs and credit cards, several bags – including one by Balenciaga – two digital cameras, a cellphone and an iPod, records state.

It takes balls to rob Kirsten Dunst. Big tough manly balls. Most people would be afraid that she lives under a bridge and eats first born children. But not these two. And what if they timed it wrong and she was still in the room? This would’ve been an entirely different story, about two men who jumped to their deaths after gouging out their own eyes and screaming that they’d lost the use of their genitals.

NOTE: If you’re wondering why Simon Pegg is with Kirsten Dunst, no it’s not some sort of troll outreach program for English people. They’re filming How to Lose Friends and Alienate people together.